For some reason I don’t know, this post where I spoke about dating an abusive man and the behaviours I embodied after that relationship has gotten some views on the blog. And as I was culling images on my phone, I came across this screenshot which relates to that post as well:
There are things I have done or said to cope and to survive and it is quite possible to say that they were necessary and at the same time, they developed into negative habits. It became a legitimate fear I had to never see myself in the same situation again. And I know it is easy to see myself as a victim in many occasions, but I know I have also caused harm. Just as harm has been done to me, I have also perpetuated harm and sometimes it is through these coping mechanisms that I adopted.
Some habits which I am working my way through include passive aggressiveness and retreating when I feel slighted. I know I struggle with hard conversations, I treat people’s words and actions with suspicion and I know the why of why I do it. I was listening to this episode of Dr Thema’s podcast and when I tell you I saw myself in what she was talking about? Whew.
And so, I continue to find ways to remain soft - because that is my jam, my religion and my absolute desire. I want to be good at loving. I want to be good at choosing who to love. To be open to love sent my way.
I also want to clarify that I don’t subscribe to the notion that I am perpetually a work in progress or any of that and that I always need to be in “self development” mode. At any one moment, I just am.
Finally, and for some rumination, there was a tweet I saw that said “Some of you have learned how to numb yourself and call it healing.”
*sips tea*
Usually I post music at the end, but today I am going to post this video essay.